


Blind leading the presumably blind

by StrawhatsAndDelibirds



Category: One Piece
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-29
Updated: 2015-09-29
Packaged: 2018-04-23 23:14:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4896001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrawhatsAndDelibirds/pseuds/StrawhatsAndDelibirds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>based on this comic: http://4kids-gin.tumblr.com/post/129425633049/k-so-sanji-is-trying-to-explain-that-stuff-to</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blind leading the presumably blind

The longer they were at sea, the more he noticed things about his captain. They were things that made him genuinely worried about the wellbeing of the rubber man. And it was much more than how he’d periodically forget that he can’t swim, nor that he forgot that he was the only one made of rubber. Nor his insatiable appetite and seeming lack of self-control, nor the fact that he was always so ready to charge blindly into danger.

Actually now that he thought about it, there were a lot of things that he worried about Luffy. He had reason to. Compared to half the guys that they fought against, it was like watching a Chihuahua fight a horse. Luffy always came out on top, but still.

What he was worried about most right now was just how naïve and trusting Luffy was. Normally he had a pretty good gut instinct when it came to people, but he had been wrong in the past about people and their intentions. Like how he didn’t trust Franky the first time he saw him. He had reason to hate him when he met him, but it didn’t stop him from holding a grudge against him even when he was helping them out to get Robin back. Who was to say that someone wouldn’t take advantage of Luffy’s trusting nature?

But that being said, Luffy was still inhumanly strong and could easily get out of a lot of those kinds of situation. Though there were situations that he wasn’t sure exactly if Luffy knew what they were. He had this whole air of innocence about him, and it was kinda like a little kid sometimes. He had to wonder if he had even gotten the talk before. As far as he knew, Luffy’s childhood was just him and Ace being thrown into life threatening situations by their grandfather and that was it. Was there even time back then in between grandfatherly beatings?

Since he didn’t want to burden the ladies with such a task, and just by looking at the rest of the crew, he had a feeling that he’d was the person most qualified to give the talk to their captain. Normally he’d leave the task to the doctor, but he wasn’t quite sure if he knew how human sex worked, seeing as it was probably something he’d never have to deal with.

Knowing their captain, he’d have to think of an easy way to tell him. He’d probably also have to use visuals somehow too. Food would be the best way to keep his attention on the task at hand. He probably still had some bagels he could use, though finding something phallic shaped would be quite the challenge. All the sausages had been eaten that morning for breakfast, and the bananas had gotten to the point where they had to be turned into banana bread. The carrots he had were too thin, and they didn’t have any cucumber or zucchini. He had to get creative.

He poked his head out of the galley. “Hey Usopp, can I borrow you for a sec?” He asked. The sharpshooter gave him a quizzical look, but passed off his fishing rod to Chopper to join the cook in the kitchen.

“What is it? I can’t help but feel that you’re up to something and this is going to end up with me either looking like an idiot or getting the snot beat out of me.” Usopp said, looking around for any clue as to what the cook was up to.

“I’m going to give Luffy the talk and I need your help.” There was no point beating around the bush here.

“Oh, so you want me to use my expertise from my many encounters with beautiful women in port side towns to educate him on it?” He boasted with another obvious lie.

“No, I just need to borrow your nose.”

“My what?”

\------------------------------------

It was easy enough to lure the captain into the kitchen. There wasn’t really anything that needed to be done, all you had to wait for when the captain inevitably got hungry between meals and came to the kitchen for a snack. That was when they would strike.

Five minutes had passed, and the exasperated look he was getting from Usopp was no less intense then when he had first brought it up. He was still letting it happen, so he had to understand how important it was for the captain to learn this stuff before he got into trouble and ended up with accidental children or something.

Luffy bounced into the room with as much energy as he always did. “Hey Sanji! I’m hungry, make me meat!” He ordered, completely indifferent to the fact that he and Usopp were sitting at the table and not in the actual kitchen.

“Luffy, have a seat. We need to talk to you about something.” Sanji said. Upon seeing the rubber man freeze and think really hard about what he had done in the past few days judging by what he could make out of the words he was mouthing, he could’ve probably done a better job with word choice. “Don’t worry, you’re not in trouble.”

The captain narrowed his eyes, as if looking for any clue that he was lying, but sat down regardless.

“Alright. I thought that since no one has probably told you, I’ll tell you myself. First, I’m going to tell you about sex. I’m only going to cover the most basic stuff because you’re a beginner and all this is going to be a lot to take in all at once. First of all, women don’t have dicks, they have vaginas and for the sake of this demonstration I’m going to be using a bagel.” And then he picked up the bagel that was on the table next to them. Usopp already looked emotionally exhausted with all this, but allowed it anyway.

“Is it going into my mouth?” Luffy asked. Given the circumstances, he wasn’t sure if he was referring to it as the symbol for a vagina as that’s what it’s purpose was in this situation, or if he just wanted to eat it because it was a bagel and he was hungry.

“No that’s not what I’m showing you. So this bagel is a vagina, and in this situation Usopp’s nose is a dick.” He said as he carefully slide the bagel onto the sharpshooter’s nose as he grumbled something that he was going to choose to pretend that he didn’t hear.

Just as his was lightly moving it back and forth, the galley door swung open and Robin stormed in.

“Stop this! Mother’s here to deliver correct information!” She said other things, but it was all blocked out by a chorus of angels gently singing to him from above as his angel herself had touched his face with a hand attached to her body. Her actual hand and not one bloomed by her devil fruit. He didn’t even care that he was being pushed to the floor. Nor did he care that she had taken his spot and he was now laying on the floor.

She had graced him by touching him with her actual hand. She touched him, and he was blessed by this divine angel that they had been lucky enough to call their archaeologist and more importantly their friend. This was true love. And a declaration such as this had caught him completely off guard. Though not as off guard as the next statement that he heard come from his captain’s mouth.

“You guys do know I’ve had sex, right?”

Stunned silence filled the room. It seemed as though no one could even process that something like that had even happened. It just didn’t make sense. It was like if Robin said she couldn’t actually read it was that earth shattering.

“I’m going to take the silence as I can eat the bagel now.” He said, grabbing the bagel off Usopp’s nose and then bouncing back out of the galley and carried on with his life as if he hadn’t dropped world altering news on them.

That little asshole. He was worried about him and then he ended up making him look like a fool in front of Robin. He’d pay for this somehow. 


End file.
